There comes a point in all of our lives, when we should be able to look back and see our past standing on the horizon, growing more distant while we move forward.  I'm securely planted in middle age, but am still getting to this point, as it seems my past is somehow tied to my ankle, it keeps following me.  Nothing horrible or sordid, just things growing up and family relationships that I've yet to cast off.  I've always been a bit too sensitive and a people pleaser, which has gotten me exactly where you'd expect - with hurt feelings far too often.  I run on the passionate side, shoot from the lip and then wonder if I did / said the right thing.  My mother is from a bygone generation, she grew up during the depression when people had different attitudes, and gender roles were quite set in stone.  I came along and was outgoing, talkative (verrrry talkative) and didn't stand down when I had an opinion.  Maybe she thought I should have been more ladylike, but growing up with 2 brothers, that wasn't really my thing; I was a tomboy, and besides...there weren't a lot of girls to play with in our neighborhood.  I remember when I was in 7th grade, I sprained my ankle.  We were outside a bowling alley - myself and one of my friends - waiting for my parents to pick us up.  I was wearing clogs and walking along this type of curb (more like a bump, thank God), and my right ankle went too far over the side, hyper extended and boom, that was it.  I was so sure it was broken because it swelled so much and I was hysterical because I figured the pain of them "putting it back into place" would be excruciating.  But it was just a sprain, and the ER wrapped it up and gave me crutches to use for a few weeks.  One day in the hallway at school, I overheard this same girl - who had actually been with me when I did it (!!) - saying things like, "She's just faking it, she wants attention....she probably just wants people to carry her books." I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  I was so crushed, not to mention mortified!! She was supposed to be my friend, and she was lying to make me look like I was faking something just for attention! (I believe this could fall under gaslighting, but who knows)  I should have called her out right then and there, asking why she was lying when she had been there when I did it, but I kept quiet.  There have been times since then, that I question myself about random things, am I really this sick, is it just me?  Am I over exaggerating?? 

So I've come to a crossroads in life, where I have to really look at and SEE people for who they ARE, and not who I wish them to be.  I have to figure out a way to understand and accept when someone (who others think is so generous and kind and inclusive) is so dismissive and quick to believe the worst about several groups of people - none of whom share their religion or race. Someone mentioned the word "Empath" recently and I think that's me.  I feel things WAY too strongly, whether it's in a book, or reading the news or seeing someone in a situation...I have an ability to put myself into the place of whomever and it's like I'm living it.  I've seen and dealt with people that want to be viewed as a saviour, a pillar of the community, love to always be in the spotlight, but they're whispering into ears and complaining about others.  Then stand back and pretend to be a peacemaker.  I am glad that I was able to see this firsthand, honestly, because I realize that anyone can pretend to be anything, but only Allah knows what is in their heart, and their intentions.  Allah knows best, and Allah knows who does deeds to help for His sake, and who does them for community recognition.  He will always bring the truth to the front, always.  People create mayhem and discord, then want to swoop in to fix the problem.  It's like a firefighter starting a fire just to be a hero and put it out.
 

I don't know how to cut that string.  To make the past stay still, and let me move on, be free.  Let me not worry about what someone else chooses to think...of others and of me.  For me to let all those doubts and insecurities bounce off me - to be protected from this petty nonsense.  I feel embarrassed even writing about it, but maybe this will help me to JUST. MOVE. ON. ALREADY.  May Allah give me the strength to let it go.  To keep moving ahead and let the dust of drama and discord drift away from me as I move forward.

And Allah knows best in all matters.