Hallowed ground

Yesterday I went horseback riding.  We signed up for a 2 hour tour through the battlefields of Gettysburg.  There's nothing better for soul searching than riding on a horse in the cool November air listening to our guide describe and point out the events that were happening on the days of July 1st, 2nd and 3rd, 1863.  The weather was sunny and beautiful, and I was able to let things go.

You are supposed to picture yourself as a soldier, either Confederate or Union, or as a civilian, an unwilling participant in war.  With everything going on with our country now, this outing could not have come at a better time.

I've been wrestling within myself (my "jihad" if you will, or "struggle"): upset over what has happened to decency and unity; horrified at the racists, so emboldened by this president-elect; terribly saddened that such a wonderful president as Obama (and no, I don't give him a sweeping pass, I disagreed with many of his policies, but it cannot be said that he didn't have class and grace, and brought a huge sense of decorum to the White House), would be replaced by someone with neither grace nor class.  Clearly, money can buy many things, but class isn't one!  People who otherwise seemed kind and thoughtful, have now come out of the woodwork to show their ugly side - celebrating the ability to insult and demean others because "their guy won" and PROUD to behave this way.

As I was riding in Gettysburg, all my inner turmoil seemed to float away as I thought of those soldiers and civilians.  How brother fought brother, and father fought son, all because they believed so much in their "cause" they'd forgo blood ties and embrace hate.  We're there again...families cutting out their relatives because of the way they voted: brother hating brother; parents disowning children and vice versa.  But I couldn't help thinking of the carnage those fields saw, all the death and horror that remained in the minds of those who witnessed it, locked inside for decades until their last breath.  As they stood on that battlefield, bloody and broken, was it worth it?  Was that much death and destruction and irrevocable hurt worth it?  No one REALLY won, even though one side did.  

I used to butt heads a lot with my father.  He was an old school guy and I was a teen in the 80's, but at the end, when he was very sick and we weren't sure what was going on or if he'd make it, all of the arguments, all of the times he made me mad, they were gone...all I could think of was how much I loved him, and I was so worried that I would lose him and he'd never know how much I loved him.  And I did lose him.  But I made sure to let him know through word and gesture that I loved him.  And I hope he knew just how much. 💓

No one ever gets a "do-over" when someone dies.  That's it, the end of their story, and everything you want to say after their gone will mean nothing, because they're not here for you to say it to.  People so angry as to cut off their loved ones will, I'm afraid, be filled with nothing but regret if the day comes and their loved one dies without them having made peace with one another.

Just stop this madness.  Try and LISTEN to each other and not talk AT each other.  If someone is truly a hateful racist, don't engage them, but try and be kind no matter what, because you never know when some small gesture could be the thing that softens them.  We HAVE GOT to come together, now more than ever, or this country as we know it is over.

Where do we go now?

It's November 12th, 2016. We're 4 days post election, and I for one am feeling drained like never before.

I was a Bernie supporter, and I've never believed in a candidate more than I did Bernie.  I loved (and love) Obama (but not all of his policies), but I knew he was more of a politician, and Bernie was more of a 40+ year "in the trenches" kind of guy.  I have my own thoughts on his non election to be the DNC candidate, which I'll just keep to myself.

The thing is, I am Muslim.  I was born and raised in the USA, and brought up Catholic.  It didn't suit me, and after a years long quest to find something that "fit" me, I happened upon Islam.  There was no handsome brown guy who swept me off my feet and I converted for him...it was just me, and the religion called to me and touched me and I knew it was my religion.  I have always tried to help those less fortunate, and am an overly friendly person (sometimes to my detriment) so it grieves me when people judge me on no other reason than what I'm wearing, as if I am somehow a threat just by a piece of cloth on my head.

Some of my family voted for Donald Trump.  They say they are tired of the establishment political system, that it was time for a change.  Fine, I get that, but they also say things like they're "tired of all the 'political correctness' going on" and they "don't like the direction the country was heading in" which begs the question: what exactly are you saying?  I believe they're tired of having to treat minorities like equals; they're tired of brown people getting jobs they feel they are entitled to, just by default of being white; they're angry that black people are standing up and saying, "You're not going to kill us without a Goddamn fight."  I read a quote recently that said, "When you've lived your whole life in privilege, equality feels like oppression." I think that's it really.  They aren't used to having to share, or to treat someone they think is "less than" as an equal.  But even with all of that, after the horrible things Trump was saying, I would have thought there would come a point where it was TOO much even for them, but I was wrong.

I have been randomly crying since 2:30am Wednesday morning.  Maybe because it dawned on me that, while our families may love us, sometimes they are only able to love us unconditionally when we fit the narrative they want.  My dyed in the wool Catholic mother says she loves me - and I believe her - but I know she does not love nor support my choices, and therefore I now realize she is only able to love me to the point where her comfort ends.  She is not a fierce, warrior mom who loves and supports unconditionally, but rather the meek, "tell me what to think" mom, who, when confronted with facts that are uncomfortable or that don't fit her worldview, waits until someone comes along and says the things she wants to hear and believe.  She sat in front of me yesterday telling me she really did "understand how you feel" and I almost laughed.  As if she, a white woman of moderate privilege, who never had to endure ANYTHING of consequence, can understand how it feels when someone who's platform was based partly on promises to infiltrate mosques, force Muslims to have special ID cards, be entered into a nationwide database, and ban all Muslims from entering the country - as if we are all suspect based on the actions of a few - has been elected to the leader of the country where I reside.  At least I understand that I am also a white woman of privilege, and if I take off my hijab, I am simply another white girl, who will endure no issues or harassment.  I cannot say the same for my friends of color, whether Muslim or not.  They do not have the benefit of simply taking off hijab and blending in: they are still brown or Asian or Native and therefore a target.  My mom tries to sound empathetic, but to truly be so is to do everything you can to help those being persecuted, even when you don't agree with their beliefs or lifestyle.  I should not have to compromise my beliefs to satisfy someone's unfounded fears because they're too lazy to research for themselves, no one should.

I've now realized that my mom only sees me as far as she wants, and she doesn't give me credit for having come to this religion after years of studying it; she doesn't give me credit for being passionate about oppression and inequality (she thinks I'm just trying to start arguments); and now, after this election, she completely dismisses any fears I have for my safety and the ability to continue to practice the religion I chose, without anyone infringing upon my rights.

I hope and pray that we can just survive whatever is to come. I know that whatever happens and has happened is only done by the will of Allah, and no whinging about will change a thing. We should try and come together as a country, but I don't see that happening under this president.  I'm not sure where the country will be in 4 years, let's pray it's a better place than where we are now.

"But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not." 2:216